One-liners found on buttons, tee-shirts, bumper stickers...

Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply...

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

An erection doesn't count as personal growth.

Don't bother me... I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.